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The Secret
by scavola
Against the onslaught of frenetic
beams of colored light, a mass of people gyrated in silhouette to a tribal beat
enhanced by synthesizers. The deafening music left no room for thought, only feeling,
and that feeling was elation. Young and full of life, in the warm press of
bodies they shared this in bumps and grinds.
In the shadows, I stood alone,
sipping my drink. A girl said “hi”, placing her hand on the high-top table.
With one look, I deemed her unworthy. I wasn’t sure what I looked for but
whatever ‘it’ was, she didn’t have it. I knew what she liked, my eyes, I have
‘bedroom eyes’. Otherwise, I was average, or even less than.
“Why are you all by yourself?” she
asked, her hand moving to my shoulder.
“I’m here with friends.”
“Yeah? And where are they?” As her
hand travelled across my back like a tarantula, she moved in closer. She reeked
of, what’s that scent? Vanilla with spice and a hint of boiled cabbage . . .
oh, that’s it, desperation.
“Good question. I guess I should go
find them, thanks.” I gave her my best insincere grin.
“Whatever,” she said, rolling her
eyes as she left.
I lost track of my other friends,
but didn’t lose track of Justin. His fair skin glowed in the black light as did
his bright white t-shirt and pale blue jeans. The rest of us had to dress up in
pants, shirts, and even jackets, the proper plumage for the mating dance. Justin
could dress down and still look good. The boy next door, he wasn’t exactly
handsome, maybe cute with his bulbous nose and wide ears, but he had ‘it’ to
the point it was blinding; like staring into the sun, nothing in periphery
mattered. A Goth-girl wanna be eclipsed him, drawn to him like a moth to a
flame.
Careful
little girl, I thought, you might
get burned. I grew tense and more and more so until the others came to me,
ready to go. They asked me where Justin was, since we were typically
inseparable. I made a bee-line to him, tapped him on the shoulder, and told
him. He needed a minute. “For what?” I asked, giving the girl my best ‘eat shit’
look.
We all waited ten minutes, and then
I told him again, pleading. After ten minutes more, I told him again,
forcefully. The next time, I yanked him off the floor by his belt, breaking him
away from the girl before she kissed him.
“She liked me,” he said in my ear, over
the din of the music. “She was going to give me her number.”
“I’m sure she gives lots of guys
her number.”
“You’re just jealous.” He shoved me
away a little forcibly.
I backhanded his chest. “I could
care less. You could hang out with her all night if we didn’t have to go.”
“If we have to go, then where is everybody?” His glare,
white hot, burned.
“They were here a minute ago.” The
room now spinning in silence, I’d lost track of them again. “Maybe they got
tired of waiting . . .”
The Goth-girl wanna be was gone too.
“Son of a . . .” He was drowned out as my head collided with a wall. The shoving would’ve been the end of it, if security hadn’t spotted us and thrown us out. In a tangled mess, we struggled, limbs flailing. By the time the others found us, I was on top, holding him down. Something I’d enjoyed, something I should’ve enjoyed, now it made me uncomfortable, feeling his anger rise. I hopped up and tried to put some distance between us but the others had to hold Justin back as he raged.
“Son of a . . .” He was drowned out as my head collided with a wall. The shoving would’ve been the end of it, if security hadn’t spotted us and thrown us out. In a tangled mess, we struggled, limbs flailing. By the time the others found us, I was on top, holding him down. Something I’d enjoyed, something I should’ve enjoyed, now it made me uncomfortable, feeling his anger rise. I hopped up and tried to put some distance between us but the others had to hold Justin back as he raged.
“Tell them!” he yelled, “Tell them
what you told me last night!”
He broke away, his fist coming
right at me. I parried the blow, twisted his arm behind him, and knocked his
legs out from under him. He yelled as his knees ground against the concrete,
ripping his jeans and abrading him.
“Chill the fuck out!” I pulled his
arm up until it was too painful for him to struggle and then a bit more.
This would turn out badly, but how
badly hadn’t been decided. I looked to the drawn faces of the others; they were
as scared as I was, but not for the same reason. I couldn’t hurt him like that,
even though he could hurt me, but I had to do something.
I forced him down to whisper in his
ear. “You promised . . .”
Through clenched teeth he muttered,
“Fuck you faggot.”
I shoved him hard and stormed off,
for the first time, alone.
*****
The night before, the ‘last night’ Justin
referred to, he and I had had yet another talk about how I’m too affectionate,
and we’re getting too old for that, and people make comments, and, “Are you sure
you’re not gay?”
Outing someone while driving down
dark, winding roads at fifty miles per hour isn’t the best idea, as in that
moment my life flashed before my eyes, childhood sleepovers, the high school
locker room, how Amy, Carla, and Vickie paled in comparison to Tom, Dick, and Harry,
and yes, Justin, especially after ‘the incident’. I managed to stay on the road
and replied, “Maybe.” This was the first time I hadn’t vehemently denied it.
“That would explain everything,” he
said, patting me on the back, “but no poopy-dick for me.”
“Whatever,” I said, swallowing my
heart.
In consideration, he nodded. “I’m
happy for you, now you can start living your life, and I’ll be there for you.”
“You won’t tell anybody?” I asked, now
scared of the reactions I’d get.
“I won’t say anything ‘til you’re
ready, I promise.”
I quickly leaned in and pecked his
cheek, which he rubbed sorrowfully with a ‘yuck’. He let me kiss him again when
I dropped him off at home, for me to feel what it was like. He was that good of
a friend.
*****
Justin told the others after I’d
stormed off, but I didn’t know it then. It remained a big secret until I was
ready to tell them, which, after what had happened, wasn’t for a long, long
time.